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| 06:35am 02/11/2009 |
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mood:  sad music: Black gives way to blue - Alice in Chains
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I went hiking on the weekend and it went really badly. A combination of things piled up and I honestly thought I wasn't going to be coming back and it terrified me. I had an ear infection which raised my body temperature drastically, I was exhausted from a week of nearly no sleep... Roughly 6 hours in 7 days. I wound up with heatstroke as a result and couldn't drink enough water to cool down enough. I also found out when I got back and saw a doctor that I'm anaemic which certainly didn't help.
I don't know what I'm trying to say, but it scared the jesus out of me. And now I'm sitting here in tears because it made me aware of how fragile life is. And I thought about things more intensively than I have before and I think I realise now what my problem is and it leaves a profound sadness in my heart and mind.
Only every now and then, for a couple of days at most, I feel whole... Like I know my place in the world and I can feel good about things... Simple things, like watching people react to each other, the way light reflects off an object, the way animals respond to the world around them and it used to make me happy. But now it just leaves me with a profound melancholy, knowing that I feel all these things and thusly feel complete... But I know it won't last, and that in time, I'll go back to feeling nothing but hollowness, anger and bitterness. I feel enough in those days to miss it so much that I come to resent everyone who gets to feel it always.
And I've come to believe that my life is a mistake... A combination of minor errors and flaws that accumulate into a collosal failure. I wasn't made for any of this and I really don't belong anywhere. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| Struggle for what? Was it worth the price we paid? |
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| 03:18am 07/08/2009 |
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I look at my life
It's not what it used to be
The clouds are gathering in
And shadowing me
I sincerely fear the storm
As I know it will
It will defeat me
And it's coming in
And here comes the rain
It stings my eyes with bitter pain
With ghosts of the past
That won't go away
I feel the strength in me decay
The weakness of man
I'm forced to portray
I feel like I have been betrayed
I'd give my life
And that's no regret to me
If that is the price
For a moment of peace for me
I sincerely fear the dawn
As I know it will
It will deceive me
All of the stupid mistakes
That I've ever made
They break my pride with a brutal rein
With thoughts of the past
That don't seem to fade
I feel the world; a darker shade
The cruelty of life
All beauty is stained
There is no love; there's only pain
I'm tired of being a punchline, or an incident that reminds her of what's important. It'd be nice to be number one for a change. Is it karma? No, I have been fucked over more than I've been a bastard.
I'm just an asshole, regardless. Fuck me. |
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| Vegetarians, and their dirty little secret |
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| 07:31am 21/07/2009 |
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mood:  crazy music: Atreyu - Falling Down
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Ok, I've been idly thinking and have gone off on a slightly unusual tangent (stops for exclamations of surprise and shock)... It's about vegetarians.
Now, a lot of vegetarians argue for animal rights, amongst other things... One of the chief arguments I've heard vegetarians use for explaining their choice to forgo eating meat is that it takes a large amount of water and land to grow the crops needed to feed cattle. Now this may be true, but it's also covering up their DIRTY LITTLE SECRET. If we were to stop raising animals for food, and start following their way of life, noone would raise the crops, noone would rear the cattle and you'd look at the extinction of these animals probably over the next 50 years.
I base this on the fact that these animals have been domesticated for thousands of years, and any kind of survival instinct would have been bred out of them long ago. They would be fodder for predators and without no investment in their existence, as a species, we'd be inclined to let nature take its course, so to speak. In order to save them, we'd have to grow crops and keep them domesticated... So vegetarians would have a choice to make... Abandon the animals to inevitable extinction or contradict their own argument to save them.
Muahahaha, I've figured you out, you vegetable murdering bastards! |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Life is... complicated. |
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| 02:53pm 07/04/2009 |
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mood: o_O music: Dexter - S2E6
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In the last 3 months, I've started feeling normally again... The whole range of normal feelings that usually seemed to be filtered out of my emotional response range... Most of the time, I reacted how I'd seen others react... Now it's all very real and it's exceptionally complicated.
I've also started sleeping 6 - 8 hours a night regularly for the first time in about 10 years.
I think I'm starting to be normal again. It's complicated, but it's good. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| What's finally become |
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| 03:52am 18/03/2009 |
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mood:  optimistic music: Accidents - Alexisonfire
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I've finally figured out what the feeling is that I've been living with for the last 6 or so weeks.
I'm finally happy with who I am, as a person, and what's become of me and my future. I feel like I have direction, and that my mind is shaking off the shackles of the last 10 years... The fears, the insecurities, the despair... It's fading away and it's an empowering feeling.
I feel like nothing can stop me now. |
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Read 7 - Post |
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| GRIND |
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| 12:49am 21/02/2009 |
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music: Alice In Chains - Grind
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1. Put your iPod (itunes) on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Dry Kill Logic - Rot
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
The Offspring - A Lot Like Me
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Killswitch Engage - The End of Heartache
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Dry Kill Logic - The Innocence of Genius
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Rage Against The Machine - Calm Like A Bomb
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
A Perfect Circle - A Stranger
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Alice In Chains - Social Parasite
WHAT IS 2+2?
Seether - The Gift
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Nine Inch Nails - The Perfect Drug
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Killswitch Engage - My Last Serenade
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Three Days Grace - Time Of Dying
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Pennywise - Never Know
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Dimmu Borgir - Satan My Master
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Machine Head - Exhale The Vile
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Killswitch Engage - Wasted Sacrifice
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Staind - Safe Place
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Papa Roach - Getting Away With Murder
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Soilwork - Your Beloved Scapegoat
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
In Flames - Goliath Disarm Their Davids
WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Jerry Cantrell - Psychotic Break
HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Pennywise - Depression
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Faith No More - The Perfect Crime
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
In Flames - Sleepless Again
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Nine Inch Nails - Into the Void
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Green Day - Don't Wanna Fall In Love
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Pennywise - Get A Life
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Soilwork - My Need
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Faith No More Midlife Crisis
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Alice In Chains - Grind |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| I don't know what I'm going to write, but it's probably not gonna be pleasant |
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| 03:44pm 07/02/2009 |
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mood:  annoyed music: Disturbed - Believe
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I'm getting fed up with people, and myself.
It seems my life is some kind of sick cycle comedy wherein I'll want someone I can't have, but the few girls who'd want me, I don't want. It's a bit frustrating to say the least. It's a good thing that feelings are so watered down for me, that I can walk away with nothing more than an echo of regret, not one of those "In 20 years, i'll still be thinking about her" kinds of things that you see all the time in movies.
I went out with a girl, Lauren, twice for coffee. She's a nice enough lass, entertaining and has a genuine zest for life. Yet a couple of nights ago, she pledged her love for me (I'm not kidding, she dropped the L-word) and seems to be trying to get me to come around to her way of thinking by repeatedly dogging me with the same questions over and over. I'll re-iterate, I went out with her twice. Now I know I ooze charm and sophistication (cough cough choke) but I must admit this has taken me aback in a most emphatic way.
It's freaked me out a little bit.
Now on the other hand, funnily enough, there's a girl at work also named Lauren. Now she'd be a good match for me... She's got a sharp tongue, a sick sense of humour and doesn't really take shit from anyone. But I know that this would never happen.
But to be honest I think my problem is I only want what I can't have. If ever that changed and it actually happened, I'm sure my wants would change with them, and I'd be back at square zero... I don't know how or why I became like this... I think it's just one bad relationship on the back of another and another etc etc... Maybe I've become too cynical about the whole thing... As soon as things work out, I walk away because I don't think they'll last?
I think it's worth finding out. |
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| 03:38am 30/01/2009 |
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mood: Tired but Awesome music: The Offspring - Leave it behind
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Some people need to grit their teeth and put a bullet in the past, let it die, bury it and use the clean slate to start writing the future.
I'm one of those people, but I'm starting to notice that it's working. In other words, I feel like I've been kicking ass pretty consistently for a couple of months now. The demons are getting eliminated one by one and my conscience hasn't been bothering me at all lately.
In fact, I've been catching myself whistling and grinning at nothing on the drive to work lately. And on the way home I'm not pissed off at traffic, I just crank my iPod and chill right out.
My insomnia has flared up something fierce as of late, hence this post at 3:40am. Usually that brings me right down to the blackness of hell, but it's not really bothering me at all... I've even resumed teaching myself to play the guitar, acoustic this time, not electric.
All in all, it's going pretty smooth. I'm pushing through, nay, demolishing my self-created safeties and boundaries and I've not felt this good physically, mentally and emotionally in a long, long time.
And it's a nice feeling. |
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| I'm sick of fuckin' hearing it Joe, I'll give it back to you when we leave |
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| 09:58pm 18/01/2009 |
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Yeah, that's stolen from Resevoir Dogs. I watch too many Tarantino movies, tough shit.
I'm in a bit of a fuck you and your problems mood, I don't really give a flying fuck about them.
I didn't really have a lot to say tonight. I just felt like writing it down in vain hope that it'd be a little more cathartic than it has turned out to be. Disappointing, although not altogether unexpected. Shit happens, fuck you.
Other than inflicting a severe dose of violence on something. I shall settle for watching Blackadder season 2. |
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| Understanding the theory, if not the practice |
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| 07:59pm 11/01/2009 |
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mood:  calm music: Ten Masked Men - Message in a Bottle
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I did some thinking yesterday about how numb I've been to shit for a long long time, and I figure it's like this. I can feel proper emotion for one day in every few hundred... The rest of the time, I kind of pretend. I try to remember a time I've been a situation like that before I went numb, and I react that way.
The best way I can think of putting it into words is to say that I feel like Pinnochio, a puppet pretending or wishing he was real. I sometimes get frustrated by it and get a bit snappy with people, but they mistake that for anger directed at them. It's not. It's merely a bi-product of me getting annoyed at not knowing what I'm supposed to act or react like.
Back to the one in a few hundred thing... That one day is like a flood, like all the feelings that I -should- have had come rushing in at once and it's pretty overwhelming. It scares me, because it's so intense that I feel like I could drown.
So obviously the problem isn't that I have an inability to feel. It's that I can't control when or how much I can feel at any given time... It doesn't come easily, if not naturally. I'm glad my parents raised me the way they did, because when I'm back in that disconnected state of mind, a moral or heartfelt sense of right and wrong doesn't exist. But the way they raised me left with little doubt as to what is and isn't accepted behaviour. Don't steal, lie, cheat etc. And I'm glad they instilled me with that, or I could have gone off the rails hard by now.
I know I'm not inherently bad. If I was, I wouldn't want this lack of conscience and feeling to go away. I know I'm not inherently good either, because I can't feel what I'm supposed to in order to be that way. So I guess that'd make me inherently neutral in every sense of the word, but with the added benefit of being raised by great parents.
I think in figuring all this out, I'm not digging away at myself anymore or drinking myself to oblivion because I think that those emotions are real and that it's the only way I can feel them. They're not and it's not... I'm not hurting myself to try and wake myself up. I'm calm, I'm thinking clearly and I feel like I've got a good chance of working it all out and becoming real again.
And I think that in the end, I'll be okay. |
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| Dear World |
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| 02:18pm 23/12/2008 |
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mood: angry music: Seether - Truth0
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Thanks for another tragedy just before xmas, it's just what I wanted/needed.
I'm done with giving a shit. |
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Read 5 - Post |
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| is it possible to be losing it if you have nothing to lose? |
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| 06:01am 18/12/2008 |
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mood: depressed music: alice in chains - would?
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I feel like I'm on the outside of an inside joke.
its been about 4 and a half weeks since i rejoined the ranks of being single, and it's starting to suck... i'm not getting used to it at all. There's too much time to think and no way to distract myself, being that I don't really have a close circle of friends anymore, at least not one that is easily contacted, being that they live too far away or work too far away. |
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Post |
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| Tribute |
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| 04:33pm 15/12/2008 |
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mood:  nostalgic music: Alice In Chains - Nutshell [MTV Unplugged]
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It's been over a year since my Gran passed away... I can't believe it's been that long, it still feels like just yesterday.
I wrote something today to sort of say how much I miss her.
The best and worst of who we are
Is found on our darkest day
Based on our reactions
And how we deal with pain
They say noone is perfect
I'm living proof it's true
But I'm slowly getting better
And it's all because of you
You've been an inspiration
Something I've aspired to be
Though You're no longer with us
I feel you watching over me
One day you'll see me succeed
That day will surely come
I will make you proud of me
And what I have become
I'll be a kinder person
I've inherited your heart
I'm still lacking your wisdom
But I feel I've made a start
We miss you more each passing day
And I wish that you were here
I know that I'll remember you
For the remainder of my years
Love you Gran. Miss you always. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| Winds of change |
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| 03:28pm 16/10/2008 |
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mood: happy music: Snot - Tecato
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Well
It's been a while since I posted, mainly because I've been so busy with work... And I'm actually enjoying it. I've dropped below 120kg for the first time in 5 years, I'm feeling stronger, smarter and happier than I have since... well since I can remember.
I'm starting to feel like I've got my life back together, which is comforting considering how things were going 6 months ago. I'm starting to get confidence with what I'm doing at work, which was always going to come with time... I even feel like I fit in there. Some things in life are still tumultuous to say the least, but I think we've all got that somewhere in our lives.
It's good to feel like this.
And I got a new mobile too. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| I watch the phoenix as she glides |
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| 07:35pm 26/08/2008 |
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so I started my new job last week. It's been alright so far, a lot of stuff to learn, but that'll come to me in time I think. I'm some-what feeling like the old me that I was happy being, but it's in drips and drabs at the moment. Relationship troubles aren't helping at the moment... We're just not vibing at all... Everything is a pre-cursor to another stupid fight... She yells and storms off and I lock myself away and simmer.
But the visions of being something tolerable are enough to give me hope that something, that -anything- is possible. It's nice to have the balls to dare to hope again... A light at the end of what has been a very long tunnel. I've had some bad times this last 6 or so months, so it's good to not feel like such a collosal fuck-up at the moment.
I've still got to cut down drinking and eventually stop smoking too, but one thing at a time... I've not been drinking as much as I used to, so I'm gaining ground there, but unfortunately, I'm still scorching my lungs every now and then.
1 thing at a time. |
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| An uncomfortable empathy |
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| 03:54pm 01/08/2008 |
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mood: Calm music: Killswitch Engage - My Last Serenade
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I've been watching Dexter for a while now, since before it came on TV. After doing a marathon of both seasons, I've come to realise that I relate very well to a lot of the things he says that describe how he functions as a human being, or parody thereof.
The most intense comparison I can draw with the character, is one that he draws between himself and pinnochio... A wooden boy, imitating real life. Acting the part in order to be a part of something, to hide the empty shell from plain sight. I feel like that the majority of the time, doing what I think I should do to fit in and get by, not out of any moral or social necessity or principle, but out of sheer practicality... It's easier this way.
The difference is that I occasionally do have a glimpse or an echo of real emotion that springs up. It's usually a sudden intense sadness or a burst of euphoric optimism, which is more of the former than the latter, but they both exist for me. It's almost like I'm a poorly tuned radio, intermittently picking up a signal, but for the most part blaring white noise, hoping not to be noticed.
The character also mentions a "dark passenger" that he carries around with him, that taints and corrupts what would have otherwise been noble intent. I realise that while there may be no perfect people, intentions can be and often are perfect and pure. Mine usually aren't... There's always an undertone of malice in every action I take... A deliberate spite that sometimes I'm not entirely sure exists, but for the most part have come to accept as part of my being.
I'm hardly going to go on a rampage or start commiting random acts of vigilanteism... I just felt like sharing the comparisons I've drawn between myself and a character I find to be intriguing.
I think it's all out of some recent overwhelming desire to be understood, instead of being accepted for what I may or may not be. Having said that, this is one of the more sedate moments where you could tell me I'm crazy and I wouldn't care. You could say anything and I wouldn't feel it. I think it's all come about because I'm tired of acting out the way I think I should, on an intellectual if not emotional level. To quote Brad Pitt in Fight Club, sticking feathers up your butt doesn't make you a chicken. Pretending to feel something, doesn't mean I feel anything... It just means I'm being dishonest to people who I respect, if nothing else. |
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| shitfuck 9001 |
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| 05:51pm 18/07/2008 |
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mood: annoyed music: In Flames - Black and White
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i broke my foot on an exercise bike... that sounds so dumb when i think about it.
though it wasn't my fault... it had those dumb straps that hold your foot in place when you pedal, and my brothers dog knocked me off it, but my foot stayed still... i heard the snap and it all started from there.
feel free to call me a dumbass |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| stolen from leanne & urban dictionary |
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| 07:49pm 20/06/2008 |
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1. David
A formidable foe to normal people. intelligent, strong forceful. a weird hybrid of a bully and a nerd. As well as the first dictator of the America and king of the new peaceful world. Also known as Timebomb and various other variations including at least TB.
I am David. All other David's fall in march as we conquer the world. For a new Earth of peace void of general stupidity.
2. david
a very hot guy usually nice and very funny
dude he is such a david
3. David
A person who is hecka cool or awesome. Everyone else is nothing compared to a David.
Person 1: You are really really cool, just like a David.
Person 2: Thanks! That really cheers me up.
4. David
One who is a BAD ASS MOTHA FUCKA. This person is often very good looking and usually quite daring. This person also enjoys a nice glass of scotch, and most closely compared to the badass McLovin.
"You are such a David for banging my mom and sister!"
"Only David could have raped Goliath."
5. David
1. (noun)The name of a famous statue made by Michaelangelo
2. (adj.)A Person with really great hair, that you just want to take a nap in it.
3. (adj.) A person who generally has great taste in music and is loved my everyone, most of the time.
1. Have you seen "David?" it's the most beautiful pieve of artwork I have ever witnessed in my entire life.
2. Have you seen his hair? He is so david.
3. Did you know that johnny liked that band? He is such a david.
6. David
David is a person who rocks everyones sox.
Yu wanna meet this kid ! LIKE FOR REAL.
David IS HELLA TIGHT.
7. David
A BMF that does and gets what he wants. Someone that doesn't play by any particular rules, but is unusually charming and plays off of his looks. A David is always the funniest and inticing man of the hour.
Girl 1 "David was so funny at the party last night!"
Girl 2 "yeah, I didn't see who he went home with"
Girl 3 "I tried to take him home"
Girl 1 "I heard he gave that stuck up blonde model a Tony Danza!!" |
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| i dont belong here and im not well |
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| 02:33am 10/05/2008 |
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i don't know what i'm supposed to say that would make me feel relief...
I don't know what I can let go and find something to unleash onto
It's fucked up that I got to this point at all
I'm so fucked up, I'll defy
I don't blame you for my mistakes
But I blame you for how you do get by
I'm so ashamed I believed you
I don't know why I'm saying what I am or why I believe it. I'm fucked up, drunk and beyond the honesty a mirror can offer. |
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stainedbyhate's journal
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